PTSD: National Center for PTSD

Intimate Partner Violence

IPV refers specifically to violence, aggression, or coercive behavior between intimate partners. IPV can include physical, sexual, or psychological abuse or stalking. Acts of IPV range in how often they occur or how violent they are. IPV can happen to anyone, no matter their gender or the gender of their intimate partner. It can happen no matter your age, income, race, ethnicity, culture, religion, or disability. Both parents and people without children can experience IPV. While this article will talk about IPV in cases where partners live together, IPV can also occur in dating relationships, whether the partners are living together or not.

IPV includes, but is not limited to, any of the following:

• Physical violence: hitting, pushing, grabbing, biting, choking/strangulating, shaking, slapping, kicking, hair-pulling, restraining
• Sexual violence: attempted or actual sexual contact when the partner does not want to or is unable to consent (for example, when affected by alcohol or illness)
• Threats of physical or sexual abuse: ways to cause fear through words, looks, actions or weapons
• Psychological or emotional abuse: name calling, humiliating, putting you down, keeping you from friends and family, bullying, controlling where you go, what you spend, how you spend your time, or what you wear
• Stalking: following, harassing, or unwanted contact that makes you feel afraid

Some people experience only one of these forms of IPV, while others experience many types. IPV can be a single event or last for many years. No matter what, no one deserves to be treated this way.

What Are Some Relationship Red Flags?

Relationships can be complicated. A relationship in which there is IPV can be overwhelming and confusing. Sometimes it can be hard to know if you have experienced IPV. The following questions give some examples of unsafe behaviors that can happen in a relationship.

• Does your partner control all of the family income and budget? Control your work or your schooling?
• Does your partner keep you away from friends and family? Control you by questions and threats about what you do, where you go, and people you see?
• Does your partner put you down, or make you feel guilty or ashamed? Blame you for their actions
• Does your partner make or carry out threats to hurt your body or your feelings, or those of someone you love? Threaten to ruin your reputation? If you have children, does your partner threaten to do something that negatively affects them or your bond with them, or to take them away?
• Does your partner scare you by breaking or destroying objects or punching holes in walls? Hurting or threatening pets?
• Does your partner physically hurt you or try to hurt you?
• Does your partner force you to engage in sexual activities?
• Does your partner threaten to commit suicide or kill you if you leave the relationship?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, your health and safety may be at risk. Help is available. Take a look at the resources listed below and know that you can get help if and when you are ready.

How Do I Know When I Am in a Healthy Relationship?

While no relationship is perfect, here are some behaviors that are commonly found in healthy relationships:

• Your partner supports your relationships with friends and family members.
• Your partner asks your opinion and respectfully listens to your answers. You and your partner can agree to disagree and resolve conflicts without fear of name calling, insults, manipulation, threats, or violence.
• Your partner accepts responsibility for their own mistakes, behavior, thoughts, or feelings and will offer sincere apologies, and work to make amends and change accordingly.
• Your partner trusts you, is trustworthy and is someone you feel safe with. If you have children, they also feel safe with your partner.
• You share in the decision making, the responsibility of family budgeting, and sharing the family resources to benefit all family members.

If you find that you would like to build or increase these behaviors in your current and future relationships, you may consider getting help from a counselor or mental health care professional.

How Common Is IPV?

IPV can happen to anyone. For instance, a survey conducted by the federal government in 2016 – 2017 – the most recent one available as of this writing -- reports that almost half of women and more than 40 percent of men faced sexual or physical violence or stalking by an intimate partner at some point in their lifetime. Studies suggest that the figure for transgender people is much higher. For example, in a 2015 survey more than half of transgender people had experienced some form of intimate partner violence. Some research suggests that women Veterans and active duty military personnel are even more likely than non-Veterans to have experienced IPV. For instance, among women Veterans receiving health care in VA, 30% to 70% reported having experienced IPV at some point in their lives. In active duty women, 36% reported having experienced one or more types of IPV during their service.

How Might IPV Affect Me?

The impact of IPV can reach far beyond the actual or threatened violence or aggression. It can affect both mental and physical health. Much of the research looks at the effects of IPV on women, but the findings are generally true for men as well. There can be harm to mental health and relationships. IPV can lead to depressed mood, feelings of worthlessness, shame, anxiety or worry, feeling emotionally numb (such as difficulty feeling your emotions or connecting with others emotionally), problems with alcohol or drugs, or suicidal thoughts and behavior. It may also lead to PTSD. And some people who experience IPV may feel uncomfortable or unsafe in new relationships and/or have difficultly trusting people. There may also be long term physical health effects. For example, women who experienced IPV are twice as likely to have chronic pain or a chronic illness and five times as likely to have coronary heart disease.

It may be hard to talk about these experiences. Getting upset when discussing IPV or worrying what others may think is understandable and expectable. Remember to be kind to yourself, and that help is available.

Staying Safe

If your relationship is affected by IPV, there may be many reasons why it is difficult to leave such as fear, lack of resources or energy. What you do to keep yourself safe may change over time, but safety planning can help improve your situation. For instance, make a list of people and agencies you can call or go to in case of an emergency, such as neighbors, friends, local shelters, support groups, health clinics, or the National Domestic Violence Hotline (see below).

Getting Support

Many people who have experienced IPV have a hard time talking about it. Experiencing IPV can bring up feelings that can make it hard to seek help or reach out to others for support. Also, experiencing IPV can make you feel alone or afraid of what could happen if you talk about your experiences or try to get help. Remember to be kind with yourself and aim to take small steps towards connection with those who can support your health and safety. Many professional resources and providers are available to help you in a private and respectful manner. For example, you can talk to any of your health care providers about what is going on and learn about additional supports and services available to you.

How Can Friends and Family Help?

If you’re reading this because you are worried about someone who is in what seems like an abusive or violent relationship, it is most important to listen and believe them if they share information about their experiences. Express that you care about them and will help support them in whatever ways they need. Remember that you can also talk to a hotline or provider to get more specific information about how you can help.

Resources in VA

If you are a Veteran in need of help with IPV, VA has intimate partner violence assistance programs (IPVAPs) to help you with any services you may need related to IPV or other kinds of care, including help with safety planning, mental health counseling, safe housing or shelter. If sexual violence occurred while you were in the military, you can contact your nearest VA facility to speak with the Military Sexual Trauma (MST) Coordinator. You can also talk to any of your VA providers about IPV. VA offers effective therapies for mental health problems that commonly occur with IPV, such as PTSD, depression, anxiety and alcohol or drug use problems. VA can provide community referrals for shelters, legal advice, advocates and support groups.

Resources

The following phone numbers are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. It may be helpful to memorize them in case of emergency.

• Call 911
• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) responds to calls 24/7, every day of the year to offer confidential crisis intervention (www.thehotline.org)
• National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 offers free, confidential, live help for sexual assault victims and their friends and families. Provided by RAINN, the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (www.rainn.org)

The organizations and information below may also be helpful:

• Women Veterans Health Care gives information about help for women Veterans who experienced IPV.
• domesticshelters.org offers a searchable directory of domestic violence service providers in the U.S.
• Futures without Violence provides programs and policies to heal those among us who are traumatized by violence today – and to create healthy families and communities free of violence tomorrow.